Now What?

It’s been over a month since this project ‘ended’ – since I have posted anything. I am still trying to figure out ‘what comes next,’ and have in the meantime, been participating in #100happydays via Instagram. It’s been a nice way  to stay focused on the positive things I have in my life. Of which there are a very many. I also have several friends participating alongside me, and it’s fun to track their progress and cheer each other along. It’s not, however, the same as posting here. The self-reflection and learning and evaluation is of a lesser degree. Which isn’t a bad thing. It doesn’t have to be all serious all the time. (I’m saying that as a reminder to myself.) It’s just, it’s hard to go cold tofurkey on this thing that was a life-force really; a vital component of my inching forward in this crazy universe and trying to maintain some ounce of sanity. Or not. (Hey it’s OK, I embrace my weird and crazy.) But at least, it kept me grounded.

I still don’t know what’s next. I feel, actually, like I know LESS now than I did a month ago. But I have to believe that means the tipping point of this monumental change my life course has been on the past year is finally. painfully. almost. here.

But for today, on this damn snow day when I neither feel like being locked inside nor being outside in the freezing cold (which would also mean being around other people), it felt important to return to this stable base of mine. And for today, I’ve been thinking a lot about courage. Specifically, Brene Brown’s TED Talk and what she refers to as the original English definition of courage; ‘telling the story of who you are with your whole heart.’

[WO]man I love that sentiment! And it hit me square across the face that I’m not living from this place. Not even a little bit.

A little while before stumbling across this video and realization, it was pointed out to me that I do a lot of finger pointing,  and not a whole lot of sharing and opening up of my own. I’m feeling exceptionally vulnerable and weak (although I try to hide it as best I can out in the world). And in a time when all I really want is comfort and support from those around me, those I care about, I’m doing the exact things to push them away.

So, there’s that question again. Now what? Hell if I know.

All I do know is, if vulnerability is the key to a happy life as Brown’s research suggests, then damn it, I should be the happiest person alive, cause my vulnerability meter is off the charts these days. What is missing is my ability to embrace THAT part of me. So. Now. On to embracing and loving and opening up in a genuine way, no matter the outcomes.

Living with my whole heart here I come.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

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Day 365: One.Five.14

My year technically ended three days ago. I haven’t posted before now because, well, I don’t know. I wasn’t ready, I suppose.

There was no fanfare. No celebration. Not even really any feeling of accomplishment.

What’s wrong with me?

I never make resolutions. I’ve never stuck with any I have halfheartedly made, to my knowledge.

But somehow, I decided it would be a great idea to do this crazy thing for a year.

And I did it.

I. Did. It.

So go me. Whoohoo. Or something like that.

—

Now what?

Despite my melancholy mood these days, I have generally come to appreciate the life this blog has afforded me. Or rather, the life I have created because of my commitment to daily intentional acts.

I don’t want that to stop.

For me, I want to continue to feel inspired and reminded to create. For others, I want to continue to offer content to those who have graciously followed The Daily Creative Project, and those yet to discover my little world.

So the question I have been asking myself is:

Do I continue? Create something new? Or find a solution somewhere in between?

I don’t wholly know. I guess I will see what becomes.

—

But I do have some ideas, at least for right now:

In the very near future: I’m planning to participate in #100happydays via instagram, and who knows, may post them here, too.

In the not-too-distant future: I want to keep this momentum going, but make a shift. For this next year, my focus will be health and wellness, but on a complete budget. I’m seeking, as many of us are, balance. My plan is to start a new page (still connected to DCP blog and the lovely followers I have somehow managed to attract) but that shifts to include weekly posts of creative, natural healthful things that are free or extremely low cost. Here’s why: it’s fairly easy these days, to be healthy if you have the money for it. Food, classes, cleanses, etc. But for those who have not the luxury of expendable income, it can be a tremendously arduous, and sometimes unattainable, task to create a healthy lifestyle. I know this to be true, firsthand. Selfishly, I’m doing this for myself. But I’m also doing this to hopefully offer inspiration to others. I’m thinking the categories will be: food, fitness, beauty, home, art-making (creativity), and spirituality.

What do you think? Shall I continue? Or has this served the purpose it was meant to serve?

—

All my gratitude for this incredible year of finding my creativity, and more importantly, myself.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 364: One.Four.14

What a year of financial instability (and blogging) have taught me about opening a business

I’m no good with money.

There, I said it. My dirty little not-so-secret.

I’ve spent the better part of my adult life trying desperately to acquire bits of money, only to watch them float away just as quickly. The starving-artist mentality taken to all new extremes. The root of this problem of mine? Well it’s deep, to be sure, but the cliff notes version goes something like this; I possess an inability to reconcile my bleeding heart, heal the world, material things don’t matter mentality with my equally present appreciation of beautiful things. Because ugh, as much as I hate to admit this, things DO matter to me.

This past year I quit my lucrative job in administration at a middle school in Philadelphia, said goodbye to my health benefits and 401K, packed up all of my possessions and returned to Washington, DC with no real plans to make money, just a ten-year-old dream to open my own business. Oh, and a blog I’d started – a New Year’s resolution to do something creative everyday.

In the eight months that followed, I slept on my mother’s couch, sub-let my best friend’s basement apartment, moved into an incredibly overpriced (and out of my budget) studio of my own, secured multiple part time jobs, none of which amounted to pay that covered my bills, and ultimately fell into a deep despair.

This isn’t a ploy to make you feel sorry for me. Promise.

Rather, this is an attempt to shine some light on a way of being that doesn’t get much merit in our society – a way of life that involves being and doing good outside of the traditional capitalistic sense. Not saying there’s anything wrong with wanting to make money. Just saying, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to, either. And that’s where we need a perspective shift in this culture.

I am well aware I had every opportunity to take the reasonable road – stick it out in a job I could tolerate, if not love, stay in a city I could tolerate, if not love, change my spending habits so I could save, save, save, and so on.

Except, I couldn’t. This need to be creative, forge my own path – it has always been my blessing as well as my curse. Too many years away from dancing, creating, contributing to the artistic world and I become restless, listless, hopeless.

And I have a great business plan.

I do. For as little credit as I give myself, for as much as I am my worst critic, even in those times I can admit that I have something special. A business model that doesn’t yet exist, really, and for which there is a great need amongst the creative community.

My business is an endeavor meant to fuel the creative economy, and meant to function as an organization that pays artists a fair price for their work, and gives them the recognition they deserve for their contributions. We’re not just talking art in the traditional sense, the hanging on a wall ready to be purchased by a gallery-goer kind. Although, we will have that, too. We’re talking about passionate, invested folk creating a meal, making a movie, designing websites, teaching classes, putting on performances… And the list goes on.

I know what you’re thinking, I think: A financially unstable director of an arts organization meant to pay artists well may seem like a complete contradiction. I have thought so too. So much so, I almost lost complete faith in my ability to open this business. But then, it occurred to me just how well suited I am for the challenge.

So here are nine things (in no particular order) my year of financial instability have taught me about opening my business, each accompanied by a corresponding blog entry from my year of The Daily Creative Project:

1. Hey. Be Nice

When you feel yourself to have hit bottom (or at least close to), it becomes an incredible vantage point for finding grace. A moment to appreciate the troubles of others. The suffering that others may face. Even when – especially when – they resist letting that vulnerability be seen. Being able to meet people where they are is a huge part of running a business, I am coming to learn.

Day ThreeHundredNineteen

2. Find Yourself a Virtue

Patience; man I have none. Or thought I didn’t. But ten years – dreaming this dream for ten years – that’s some patience if I’ve ever seen any. So, the fact that my business hasn’t now been built in a day? I’d say, that’s OK. By starting slowly, having lots and lots of conversations, asking advice from those I trust and admire, testing out the waters with snippets of what we intend to do, building an audience and cheerleader base, we’re getting all of our ducks in a row for just that very day when everything does become aligned to open our doors.

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3. Faith

I believe as wholeheartedly in my mission now, as I ever have. I believe in myself. I believe in other dreamers and creative folks and the good in people. I believe, at the end of the day, my business will help and do good and be good for lots of other people, not just myself. My faith may look very different from yours, but it comes from the same place of wonder and inexplicable strength that makes things just seem, well, possible.

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4. Ingenuity All the Way

I haven’t had the capital to invest in my current endeavors. I don’t have an eager philanthropist busting at the seams to support my work. When you can’t take the easy (or at least accessible) road, it forces you to find creative ways around roadblocks. Got an idea? How can you make it happen on a smaller scale, as a partnership, in pieces? Our event series, Reel Talk, began in the living room of dear friends, with a handful of people – all friends or relatives, and a dream to turn this vision of ours into something. Turns out, people who are already in your corner are the best customers. They were eager and engaged and supportive. And three months later, we were partnering with a real estate firm to hold the event in their beautiful offices, with advanced tickets purchased by complete strangers. It sometimes takes a perspective shift, but the outcome can be more rewarding than you ever expected.

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5. Become the Rubber Band

Resilience. The ability to snap back. If you haven’t hit low, if you haven’t tested your limits, how will you ever know what you’re capable of?

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6. Keep Your Head in the Clouds

The only way to make this crazy thing a reality is to keep on dreaming. People may tell you to stop. To get your priorities straight. You may even tell yourself that. But if you wake up day after day with the same dream, you owe it to yourself to give it everything you’ve got. And to know that, while you may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel (apologies for all my terribly cliche idioms I’ve got going on in here – don’t know what’s come over me), the light, it’s there. And you’ll see it soon enough. Just as long as you don’t. give. up.  This of course comes with a hearty dose of reality and sacrifice along the way – a deep willingness to do whatever necessary. And may mean you have to make some deviations along the way. But oh how sweet the sunshine will feel when you come out the other side and can say ‘I. Did. This.’

DayThirtyOne

7. A Slice of Humble Pie

Take advice from others. Admit defeat. Ask for help when you need it. Cause hey, we all need it, once in awhile. And yes, even us perfectionists fail (or ahem, encounter obstacles) once in awhile.

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8. Put Your Best Assets Forward

Like to doodle? Good at taking photos, or talking to people? Those seemingly dissimilar or unnecessary talents will become the lifeline on which you walk through this process. They are also, hopefully, the very reason(s) you are starting this endeavor in the first place. They are the things that make you happiest. And therefore in turn, will make you successful-ist.

Me? I love to design interior spaces. (And dance. And connect with other inspiring artists to make even more inspiring work. And plan events. And work with young people. And. Oh, well, you get the picture.)

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9. Find Your Happy Place

If at the end of the day, even in despair, you find yourself happier, somewhere deep down, than you were at the height of your non-dreamer life, you know you’ve done it. You know you’ve followed your heart to the place you are meant to be. I’ve shamed myself into thinking for so long that my way isn’t the ‘right’ way. And in this society, it’s not. But I have to, have to, believe that my way will be MY right way. Just as soon as I let go of this guilt I’ve built up around myself.

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Bonus post: Pharrell Williams will make you Happy.

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*Now, I just want to make clear that I am in no way implying that being in debt and relinquishing all responsibility are the way to go here. Just the opposite. I believe I will finally be able to find peace and the ability to manage my finances, a business, etc. when I accept who I am and find ways to work WITH my abilities, instead of in direct opposition to them.

I’m different.

There, I said it. I have a hunch there are a lot of us out there. And I think we can help each other, and our society, by unashamedly, loudly, intensely, shouting it from the rooftops. (And then making big things happen. With a dose of compassion. A dash of ingenuity. And a whole lot of heART.)

Here’s to another day of creativity…

https://thedailycreativeproject.wordpress.com/2013/10/24/day-292-ten-twentyfour-13/

Day 361: One.One.14

Dear 2014;

I’m not ready for you.

In fact, this was probably the least prepared I have ever felt about ringing in a full, new year. The least optimistic I have ever been, to be sure.

As others have been readying themselves, I have been mourning the losses of this past 365-day journey.

—

This past year has been about giving up: A job, a city, friendships. A life I thought I wanted/needed.

To be clear, these have all been self-inflicted sheddings – necessary ones. It’s not that I didn’t know they were coming, or even that I didn’t welcome them. It’s that I didn’t allow myself space to fully examine the absence of my former self. And so therefore, was caught completely off guard by the swell of emotions and immobility that has come to wash over me as the past year comes slamming to a close.

—

This next year is about time to rebuild. Or rather, build anew: My heart, my strength, my resolve. The life I have always wanted/needed.

I suppose then, 2014, you couldn’t have come at a better time.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 354: Twelve.TwentyFive.13

For years I cringed every time I heard even a few notes of Nutcracker music ringing out in stores and on commercials this time of year. Having spent the better part of two decades listening to the entire score from September through December, it was all I could do to tune it out once I got into my twenties and ‘put ballet behind me.’ I told myself it was similar to ‘It’s A Small World’ – something I just couldn’t get out of my head. A jingle that grated on my inner ear.

The truth, though. The truth is I miss it. So much. And for many years it was just too painful to be reminded of it, knowing I had ‘put ballet behind me.’ I miss being part of a tradition so much larger than me. Focusing on a singular goal for so much time, all leading up to sharing a timeless joy with so many audience members. The hours upon hours of rehearsals and classes, the waiting to find out what parts we would be playing that year – it could be agony to be sure. But also something so special I craved it – still crave it. Nutcracker was synonymous with Christmas for me. And then when it wasn’t I went in search of all kinds of other holiday traditions that just never seemed to fill the void.

I tried putting my pointe shoes on again the other night. (I posted pics HERE.) To be reminded of what it felt like to be a dancer. It hurt. More than it used to. And I may never put them back on and return to the stage to delight audiences with my fancy footwork. But I also know, now, more than ever, that I will never stop being a dancer. It will never be behind me. The torture I have felt throughout the years when I have made the conscious – or not – decision to turn my back on dance, it was because I was being untrue to myself. I can’t ever separate me as a being from me as a dancer. We are one and the same, even when the perfectionist in me doesn’t feel my current state lives up to the dancer I once was, or could have been.

But I digress. The point of tonight’s post was, that I was reminded today of how much joy Nutcracker has brought to me throughout the years. And while the holiday spirit didn’t quite snatch me up this year, reminiscing about my dancing days did bring a smile to my face. And it brought me to the below picture, which also made me smile.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 351: Twelve.TwentyTwo.13

I generally have a fairly optimistic perspective on life.

Not these days.

I’ve become pretty dark in my own mind and I’m not really sure how to let the sunshine return.

I see occasional flickers of light.

Now, I just pray for daylight to dance its way back in.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 348: Twelve.Nineteen.13

“‘It’s gonna hurt now,’ said Amy. “Anything dead coming back to life hurts.'” – Toni Morrison, Beloved

—

Alone, lonely. Broke, broken down. With the inability to distinguish between good decisions and not.

None of my decisions, in fact, are ones that have resulted in healthy, happy, positivity.

—

I am broken.

I suppose it’s better to know, now, than to keep hiding from the truth. Keep pretending I am whole.

It hurts – the past resurfacing and reclaiming me. It is rendering me paralyzed.

—

I am broken. And I’m not sure I have the wherewithal or energy to put the pieces back together.

I’m not even sure they are worth putting back together.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 346: Twelve.Seventeen.13

A day of despair. Not much else to report. Life seems pretty bleak.

I did force myself to do some work, clean.

A walk outside in the crisp winter air did offer a brief return to my body, to sensations other than numb.

And so tomorrow, I try again. What else can I do?

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 342: Twelve.Thirteen.13

In trying to get from one side of my postage-stamp-sized apartment to the other – unsuccessfully due to the large number of boxes and bags and piles of mess – this thought appeared inside my head, clear as day:

I create obstacles for myself. Literally, and figuratively.

In an attempt to clean up, I most certainly always make more of a mess first.

Make any task seem larger than it originally was, thereby paralyzing myself from taking care of the matter swiftly and efficiently.

Case in point this evening; empty all contents of box filled with holiday decorations onto floor in an attempt to add a bit of holiday cheer to my otherwise downtrodden disposition.

The curious thing is that almost always I am able to create beauty out of the chaos. Unhealthy as the tactic may be.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 339: Twelve.Ten.13

Yoga reaffirms my life. Every. Time. Like, seriously.

This hot yoga business in particular.

I don’t understand why I don’t get that on a more visceral level. Like, why it’s so much work to get myself to go on a regular basis.

Doing things that are good for me – great for me – should be my ONLY line of thinking. Instead, I’m busy sabotaging myself in small, sneaky ways on a daily basis.

Getcho life, Emily. (As my dear friend told me, when she offered to pay for my yoga class and I tried to refuse.)

Here’s to another day of creativity…