Day 306: Eleven.Seven.13

This whole social media #tbt (#throwbackthursday) thing has gotten me. I tried to resist, but now I post away with the worst of them. Ugh.

Today’s selection was taken at a photoshoot a little over a year ago. I was living in Philly, was wishing I was dancing, and was wondering how I was going to get out of my current life situation.

It was a nice reminder of how much has changed. How much I have changed.

Photo by Aanya Photography. Styling by Styled by Ali

Here’s to another day of creativity…

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Day 77: Three.TwentyThree.13

I change my photos on social media sites frequently these days.

Part of it is pure vanity, sure, I’ll admit it. It’s nice to get ‘likes’ and comments and all that sometimes. (Except when the comment is from a facebook ‘friend’ that feels the need to mention how often I change my profile picture.) That was just annoying. But not untrue, so I can’t be mad at that comment, either.

I’m not used to the attention, so it still feels monumental each time someone tells me I look pretty. I’m always kind of suspicious of it, in fact. Like, they don’t REALLY mean it. Or, they will change their mind. Or, tomorrow I may not be anymore. Pretty, that is.

Except, something has shifted. As evidenced by the fact that I am changing my photos so often. You see, that NEVER would have happened ten years ago. Or five. Or even one. I wouldn’t even have been taking photos I felt good about posting. Until recently.

I have always enjoyed taking pictures, but the only ones I typically felt good about were the ones that didn’t have me in them. I felt ugly growing up. A product of staring at my own reflection in the mirror day in and day out in the ballet studio, years of looking at glossy Photoshopped versions of models in magazines, and the usual dose of insecurity that accompanies adolescence.

My feelings of ugliness settled deeper, though. A feeling so intense that I was constantly in a battle with myself. To do, and accomplish, and strive, and achieve. And at the same time to hide, and change, and look outside of myself for a way to be beautiful.

The moral of this story is not that I am now, nor ever will be, a model. Unless it’s the ROLE model kind. (That would be pretty cool.) But rather, the reason my photos might be ‘good’ now? I feel good. About myself. On the inside. That’s what’s coming through. I still have plenty of insecurities that creep in. Ones that could and would completely take control again if I’m not careful. (And I also have plenty of pictures I don’t ever plan to share with the webiverse.) But in spite of, and maybe because of those insecurities, I have finally grown into myself. My real self. I have found a confidence and acceptance that was always there, somewhere, but that I could never reconcile. Until one day, it seems, I did.

I have finally stopped struggling against who I think I SHOULD be, and come to appreciate who I in fact, BE.

I wish this for anyone out there who struggles with insecurities. Above all else, BE.

Photo Credits: All photos by Aanya Photography. Styling by Styled by Ali.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 28: Two.Two.13

I got up before the butt crack of dawn today. 3am, to be exact. Spent the day driving to and from NY (craziest return trip EVER, that included backing up on the freeway. But that, my friends, is for another time and place.) In between all of the driving, I hung out at a photoshoot. Took some pics, too. My longtime friend and recently launched Stylist was with me the entire time. She did my hair, makeup, helped me put together the looks. This is the third in a series of photo shoots we have done with another friend of ours. The purpose was the same for all of us – to build up a portfolio of work we can use for our businesses. Each of us is in the process of launching our creative endeavors.

I have never felt particularly photogenic. In fact, I am so grateful iPhones and facebook and all the rest of this instant technology wasn’t around when I was in high school. I spent the majority of my teenage years, and even into my adulthood, simultaneously wishing I could hide from the camera and also that I would become pretty enough to take amazing photographs all the time. I hated looking at myself in photos, always scrutinizing every inch of them, counting the ways I disliked my physical appearance. I have come a long way since then, but a bit of that 15 year-old girl with terrible skin has never really left me. I left the shoot yesterday feeling disappointed in the way I looked, and therefore, in myself.

Here are a few things I have learned through doing these photo shoots:

1. This photographing business is hard work. Mad respect to all involved in the process of making pretty photos.
2. Being prepared is the name of the game. The first photo shoot we did (second picture, below) was much more successful, in my mind, than this last one. We had a concept, pulled together looks in advance, and had the entire morning just to try things out. This most recent shoot (first picture below – I don’t have the actual pictures back yet) was pulled together last minute, and I was fit in between all of the other shoots she had booked that day. I didn’t feel as confident, and it showed up in the pictures.
3. I like to think that I am mostly a humble individual. But I gotta say I do like the positive attention I have received from some of my photos on facebook and the like. It’s hard not to feel good about people saying nice things about you.

February 2013 Photo shoot

November 2012 Photo shoot

It may be awhile until my next shoot – I need some time to build back up my confidence, I think.

Here’s to another day of creativity…