Day 222: Eight.Fifteen.13

Moving used to be my ‘thing.’ Freedom. Newness. Excitement. Creativity. Being in one place for too long meant I was becoming stagnant, boring, blah.

Or so I thought.

Today I moved. Or rather, a moving company moved me. From my months of nomadic life to a small, well-lit studio apartment in a trendy building.

I never want to move again.

That’s all to say I will, inevitably, move again.

But my idea of moving has most certainly shifted. I no longer have any desire to pack up my things and unbox them.

Instead, I’m looking forward to getting settled in my new home. And having my next series of adventures be work-related. A space in which I can find the same ideas of freedom, newness, excitement, creativity. All without having to move my bed or couch or countless pink flamingo decorations.

pink flamingo apartment

Here’s to another day of creativity…


Day 216: Eight.Nine.13

A year ago, I was in Jamaica on vacation with my now (and technically then) ex-boyfriend.

We fought most of the entire time. When we weren’t fighting we were mostly silently miserable.

I was giving ‘thoroughly pissed off’ in the below photo, taken at one of the iconic Jamaica spots where I should have been thoroughly enjoying myself.

vacation face

Fast forward a year and I’m not in a position to take a summer vacation. Nor do I have a ‘special someone’ to take a vacation with. I’ve hardly been out in the sun, haven’t been to the beach at all.

It’s fair to say I have total travel lust. I like the idea of picking up and traveling anywhere in the world right this second.


Thank goodness, thank goodness, I am no longer in a position to be going to Jamaica.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 181: Seven.Five.13

I love my new apartment.

Well technically, I haven’t seen it. And it’s not ‘mine’ yet, not until the middle of August.

But I love the building, and the neighborhood, and the thought of my apartment. Especially the thought of being able to say ‘my’ apartment. After months of uncertainty – financially, career-wise, and life-wise – it’s amazing to think about being stable. Something I most certainly took for granted. For most of my life I’ve been, or pretended to be, a nomad. Now, more than anything, I’m so thankful for a two-year lease and the end of carting my things from one place to another.

I’m also completely aware – and completely uncomfortable – with the fact that I am going to be another face of gentrification as soon as I move in.

I’m entirely conflicted, and not even trying to make excuses about it. (I’m selling my car, downsizing and getting rid of excessive ‘stuff’ in my life, the building claims to be ‘green’ and is ‘community focused,’ I’m super excited to BE a part of this neighborhood and plan to be a patron in the neighborhood spots, etc.)

I’ve always felt, somehow, that I don’t deserve to be completely happy in any aspect of my life because my entire career life has been about wanting to help others have better lives. That twisted logic is starting to unravel, though, as I continue to realize that me being really, truly happy and content in my life (not with material things of course, but content within myself) is going to make me a better person to help others in better ways. I will have more of myself to give.

And well, the truth, if I’m being honest, is that this apartment makes me happy.

The way I see it, all I can do is continue to live as holistically and consciously as I am able to, and hope that this time in this apartment, in this neighborhood, continues to inform me and my choices as I move forward with my life and my business.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 176: Six.Thirty.13

If I stop to think for a minute, it’s amazing how quickly this year has already gone.

I cannot believe, for instance:

June is now over

Half of 2013 is over

I am once again living in W, DC (who say that coming six months ago?!)

I still don’t have an actual place to live (of my own that is – because I do have a very wonderful mother and best friend who have made my uncertain situation feel less so)

I am doing this business thing

I have a very good feeling about July… So alright second half of 2013 – bring it.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 130: Five.Fifteen.13

When I moved to Washington, DC the first time around, I reconnected with my dancing and found a company I just HAD to be a part of. I became a regular in company classes, took every other class I could get my hands on, and soaked up all I could about this new experience. I just knew, deep down, this company had to be a part of my life. I auditioned first chance I got… and didn’t make it. While I was of course devastated on some level, more than anything, I just remember trying to figure out what I needed to do to get there. I had a conversation with the director afterwards, asking why, what I needed to work on? She was encouraging and thoughtful. It was my ability to speak through my movement, communicate, show dimensionality, character, personality. Become larger than myself on stage. I could do that – I knew I could. I just didn’t know how.

I came from the world of precision and uniformity that is ballet. A corps of dancers is nothing if not perfectly in sync. I knew how to move my body so that it became part of the landscape of beauty that made up the entire picture. I didn’t know how to be free, expressive, how to be THE image or picture.

I was so cerebral about the whole thing. I remember trying so hard to figure out just how to make these transformations, without giving my body permission to discover them organically. My head knew what the final outcome should look like – my heart and soul did not know how to get there.

It’s an unsettling feeling for someone who is so in tune with their body to not know how to move it.

Flash forward almost a decade, after letting go enough to make it into the company, dancing with several others, moving out of the dance world and into other career paths:

It’s amazing to find myself back in this same place. Returning to DC, to dancing, to evolving.

My struggles this time are about evolving on my own, for my very survival. As a dancer, an artist with a point of view, a human with a need to connect in this world on a deeper level.

The piece I’m developing has until this point, felt small. Both in my connection to it, as well as in the movement itself. I’ve been struggling with it, on my own, each week, and not getting anywhere. Except also getting exactly where I needed to be to have a breakthrough.

My guiding light, no matter where in the world we may physically be at the time – my best friend and fellow creative spirit – surprised me with a visit during my rehearsal. I was reluctant to show her what I had, because I feel so the opposite of confident about it. Thank goodness she is as persuasive as she is.

Fellow creative spirits

After watching, and offering some helpful, if polite, feedback on the movement itself, we got to talking about the essence of the piece. What am I trying to say? How do I communicate that through movement? The three words that have emerged about this piece for me are: truth, love, always. That’s what I want to say. End of story. So why is it so difficult for me?

The question of how I show love came up, and I struggled to find an answer. Finally, “I am giving of my time and energy, am compassionate, caring, empathetic, a good listener,” emerged. But more importantly, the realization that I have forgotten how I show love. True, unconditional – a pure emotion that has no expectations, boundaries, ulterior motives. I have forgotten because my past, same as many, is filled with examples of how this pure form gets clouded with other emotions – jealousy, anger, frustration, hurt, sorrow.

All of this work I am doing – my move, my business, my blog, my dancing – is about reconnecting with my heart. Life meets dance meets evolution. It’s all I could ask for, even in the difficult moments. Because those moments of struggle are how I know something beautiful is taking hold.

I have this image of my heart as it has been in recent months – still intact in shape and size, but with a hardness around it. A protective cover that has been allowing it to heal the cracks. Today I feel this shell breaking, I no longer need to protect myself from the world. I am ready to let my heART spill forth.

Hearts Breaking

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 74: Three.Twenty.13

I have moved to DC three times. Once on purpose and two times as well, un-on-purpose as one can actually MOVE to a location. In other words, I didn’t know I intended to come back to this place. And yet, here I keep finding myself.

I still don’t know that this is the place I see myself ‘settling down’ for the rest of my life – the way many people seem to just KNOW they want to live somewhere. I’m not even sure what that would look or feel like. I have been a bit of a nomad all of my life. The thought of permanence is one I sometimes wish for, but am not sure how to embrace. Or even if I really DO want to embrace it.

If truth be told, in an ideal world I would be bi-coastal (better yet, tri-worldal?!) But for right now, this move, as uncomfortable as it is in some ways, feels so right in many others.

Most of the time moving means starting over, reinventing. Proving who you are, how you fit in, why you are there. There’s always a lot of explaining. People don’t know your past, or your hopes for the future. Many times I find a move means your new group of people isn’t aware of a significant piece of your life. And those whom you left in the last move are not always aware of the new piece of your life. It becomes tricky to maintain relationships in which all pieces of yourself are represented. This time around, I don’t have any of that weighing me down. I have come back to family and bestest of friends and colleagues who have been with me every step of my starting over, reinventing. Proving. They know – sometimes with more certainty than I feel – that I am headed in the right direction.This is not something to be taken lightly – I am eternally grateful for this opportunity to reconnect with those I cherish, and those that cherish me.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 66: Three.Twelve.13

Coming up with something to post about everyday has not been as difficult as I thought it would be. Particularly as I continue on this journey. Things just appear. I’m more tuned in to the world around me and the ways in which it allows us to be creative, to express ourselves.

The words, however, don’t always come as easily. It just sometimes takes me a bit longer to say the things I think I want to say. So while a few days may go by between posts, when they do appear, they reflect that day’s events.

Except maybe today. Today neither the words NOR the creativity is forthcoming. It’s moving day. Sort of. Almost. I’m in my apartment in Philly packing up the rest of my things even though I technically already live in DC. And I feel stuck in between the wardrobe and Narnia. There’s a chill from the other side, beckoning me to follow, but I can’t. Quite. Find my way in.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 63: Three.Nine.13

I frequently get lost in places I know very well. I know where I am trying to end up – I can visualize the ending point with clarity. I recognize the streets and houses and buildings and landscapes around me. Even though a GPS is now at my fingertips, in these sorts of situations I often am so stubborn I don’t turn to it for guidance. I don’t accept any help, even when no one else would be any the wiser that I had not accomplished the task by myself. The more I recognize but can’t get myself to where I am trying to go, the worse it gets. I get flustered. There is no hope. Until finally, somehow, I find myself where I meant to end up all along. I have no recollection of how I got there, couldn’t retrace my steps to save my life, and don’t even recognize the approach until I am almost right on top of the destination.

That is the kind of lost I am feeling in my life at this moment in time. I am surrounded by the familiar, and I think I am even pretty clear on my end destination. But I have lost all ability to focus on how to get there. All turns that seem to be correct are getting me deeper and deeper into unknown territory. The more flustered I become, the less I am able to see a clear path. I KNOW where I am trying to go is right around here somewhere. And yes, I know that I will find it, eventually.

I do wonder though, if they made a GPS for this type of directional challenge, if I would accept the help, or if I would continue to be so stubborn to think I can do it all on my own?

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 61: Three.Seven.13

My friend posted on her blog about change. She asked for thoughts from others, me included, about what transition looked like in our lives. I suppose it’s time for me to embrace the fact that I have gone through/am still going through a hugely transitional time, and try to make some sense out of it. Here goes nothing:

The short version:

Creating change in one’s life is a bit like using the letters of the word MOVEMENT to spell MOMENT. It creates a new meaning, but there will be those few spare pieces left over, from the former. They don’t fit in the new definition, but you also can’t discount them entirely. The new leaves this space             time, uncertainty that at least for me, is hugely unsettling. The alternative, however – remaining stagnant – has no place in my world. So change…? Bring it. I say.



The long version:

This is still being played out, and I don’t have enough distance to be able to write anything even remotely insightful. Hopefully though, I will know a few things before this year is up, and this will be the first place those findings will be reported.

The ironic version:

And of course, ‘It Don’t Have to Change’ by John Legend came on my Pandora station RIGHT as I began writing this post. Ah irony. How I love thee. (Well at least, when John Legend has anything to do with it.)

Here’s to another day of creativity…