Now What?

It’s been over a month since this project ‘ended’ – since I have posted anything. I am still trying to figure out ‘what comes next,’ and have in the meantime, been participating in #100happydays via Instagram. It’s been a nice way  to stay focused on the positive things I have in my life. Of which there are a very many. I also have several friends participating alongside me, and it’s fun to track their progress and cheer each other along. It’s not, however, the same as posting here. The self-reflection and learning and evaluation is of a lesser degree. Which isn’t a bad thing. It doesn’t have to be all serious all the time. (I’m saying that as a reminder to myself.) It’s just, it’s hard to go cold tofurkey on this thing that was a life-force really; a vital component of my inching forward in this crazy universe and trying to maintain some ounce of sanity. Or not. (Hey it’s OK, I embrace my weird and crazy.) But at least, it kept me grounded.

I still don’t know what’s next. I feel, actually, like I know LESS now than I did a month ago. But I have to believe that means the tipping point of this monumental change my life course has been on the past year is finally. painfully. almost. here.

But for today, on this damn snow day when I neither feel like being locked inside nor being outside in the freezing cold (which would also mean being around other people), it felt important to return to this stable base of mine. And for today, I’ve been thinking a lot about courage. Specifically, Brene Brown’s TED Talk and what she refers to as the original English definition of courage; ‘telling the story of who you are with your whole heart.’

[WO]man I love that sentiment! And it hit me square across the face that I’m not living from this place. Not even a little bit.

A little while before stumbling across this video and realization, it was pointed out to me that I do a lot of finger pointing,  and not a whole lot of sharing and opening up of my own. I’m feeling exceptionally vulnerable and weak (although I try to hide it as best I can out in the world). And in a time when all I really want is comfort and support from those around me, those I care about, I’m doing the exact things to push them away.

So, there’s that question again. Now what? Hell if I know.

All I do know is, if vulnerability is the key to a happy life as Brown’s research suggests, then damn it, I should be the happiest person alive, cause my vulnerability meter is off the charts these days. What is missing is my ability to embrace THAT part of me. So. Now. On to embracing and loving and opening up in a genuine way, no matter the outcomes.

Living with my whole heart here I come.

Here’s to another day of creativity…



Day 365: One.Five.14

My year technically ended three days ago. I haven’t posted before now because, well, I don’t know. I wasn’t ready, I suppose.

There was no fanfare. No celebration. Not even really any feeling of accomplishment.

What’s wrong with me?

I never make resolutions. I’ve never stuck with any I have halfheartedly made, to my knowledge.

But somehow, I decided it would be a great idea to do this crazy thing for a year.

And I did it.

I. Did. It.

So go me. Whoohoo. Or something like that.

Now what?

Despite my melancholy mood these days, I have generally come to appreciate the life this blog has afforded me. Or rather, the life I have created because of my commitment to daily intentional acts.

I don’t want that to stop.

For me, I want to continue to feel inspired and reminded to create. For others, I want to continue to offer content to those who have graciously followed The Daily Creative Project, and those yet to discover my little world.

So the question I have been asking myself is:

Do I continue? Create something new? Or find a solution somewhere in between?

I don’t wholly know. I guess I will see what becomes.

But I do have some ideas, at least for right now:

In the very near future: I’m planning to participate in #100happydays via instagram, and who knows, may post them here, too.

In the not-too-distant future: I want to keep this momentum going, but make a shift. For this next year, my focus will be health and wellness, but on a complete budget. I’m seeking, as many of us are, balance. My plan is to start a new page (still connected to DCP blog and the lovely followers I have somehow managed to attract) but that shifts to include weekly posts of creative, natural healthful things that are free or extremely low cost. Here’s why: it’s fairly easy these days, to be healthy if you have the money for it. Food, classes, cleanses, etc. But for those who have not the luxury of expendable income, it can be a tremendously arduous, and sometimes unattainable, task to create a healthy lifestyle. I know this to be true, firsthand. Selfishly, I’m doing this for myself. But I’m also doing this to hopefully offer inspiration to others. I’m thinking the categories will be: food, fitness, beauty, home, art-making (creativity), and spirituality.

What do you think? Shall I continue? Or has this served the purpose it was meant to serve?

All my gratitude for this incredible year of finding my creativity, and more importantly, myself.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 361: One.One.14

Dear 2014;

I’m not ready for you.

In fact, this was probably the least prepared I have ever felt about ringing in a full, new year. The least optimistic I have ever been, to be sure.

As others have been readying themselves, I have been mourning the losses of this past 365-day journey.

This past year has been about giving up: A job, a city, friendships. A life I thought I wanted/needed.

To be clear, these have all been self-inflicted sheddings – necessary ones. It’s not that I didn’t know they were coming, or even that I didn’t welcome them. It’s that I didn’t allow myself space to fully examine the absence of my former self. And so therefore, was caught completely off guard by the swell of emotions and immobility that has come to wash over me as the past year comes slamming to a close.

This next year is about time to rebuild. Or rather, build anew: My heart, my strength, my resolve. The life I have always wanted/needed.

I suppose then, 2014, you couldn’t have come at a better time.


Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 358: Twelve.TwentyNine.13

Oh to be productive. I had such high hopes for this day.

Oh to lack the willpower to see it through. I had such low outcome on this day.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 355: Twelve.TwentySix.13

As the end to this year-long resolution – experiment – draws to a close in a mere ten more daily posts, I’ve been doing some thinking about where it’s brought me, and what happens next. Except… I thought it would be wholly more profound than it is. Like this whole AaaaaHaaaa moment of clarity. I would have my life figured out. Except… I don’t. In some respects, I feel exactly where I was an entire year ago. And yet, I know, I know, of course, I am not at all the same person I was when I sat down to a blank blog screen.

I do know that this whole thing has been wholly about me (how selfish) – about discovering and uncovering and repairing. But also, hopefully, something universal and relatable and worthy of reading. So instead of drawing out the much bigger meaning, I will simply share the thirty (that’s a lot right? But I do have three hundred plus entries, and I’ve become quite attached to this thing…) posts that I feel most connected to. The ones that were the most difficult to write, the easiest to post, the most heartfelt… You get the picture.

In no particular order of importance, rather in order of appearance:

  1. Day One. Remains the backbone of my wish for this project. It’s why, and how, I create.
  2. Day Five. Felt good to write. It came from a totally true and honest place.
  3. Day Eighteen.  Regret.
  4. Day ThirtyOne. The dream that just won’t quit.
  5. Day ThirtySeven. The Virgo dilemma.
  6. Day SeventySix. To heal.
  7. Day SeventySeven. Why I look good.
  8. Day SeventyNine. Guerilla gardening.
  9. Day OneHundredFive. Beautiful darkness.
  10. Day OneHundredTwentySix. Onstage magic.
  11. Day OneHundredFortyThree. My health care dilemma.
  12. Day OneHundredSixty. A little reminder that the sun will shine again.
  13. Day OneHundredSeventyThree. A Love Story (for my someday child).
  14. Day OneHundredEightyFour. Relationships of the fairytale kind.
  15. Day OneHundredEightyNine. A day of discovering.
  16. Day TwoHundredOne. How I know the world will be alright.
  17. Day TwoHundredEleven. Thanks Girls Like Giants for re-posting this one.
  18. Day TwoHundredTwentyEight. I’m (still?) a dancer.
  19. Day TwoHundredFortyThree. Time to start acting my age.
  20. Day TwoHundredSixtyOne. A reconnection of the artistic kind.
  21. Day TwoHundredNinetyOne. To Believe.
  22. Day TwoHundredNinetyTwo. The art of blankets.
  23. Day TwoHundredNinetySix. My mama is cooler than most, well, people.
  24. Day ThreeHundredTwelve. So ludicrous I just would do it.
  25. Day ThreeHundredFourteen. Validation for all my crazy.
  26. Day ThreeHundredEighteen. Some whimsy. (It doesn’t all have to be serious all the time, after all.)
  27. Day ThreeHundredTwentyThree. An amazing day doing one of the things I love best – discovering a city’s art and space.
  28. Day ThreeHundredTwentySix. Love. Love. In Love. Want. Want. Want to do this.
  29. Day ThreeHundredTwentyNine. The beauty.
  30. Day ThreeHundredThirtyOne. Seattle. Rediscovered in photos.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 351: Twelve.TwentyTwo.13

I generally have a fairly optimistic perspective on life.

Not these days.

I’ve become pretty dark in my own mind and I’m not really sure how to let the sunshine return.

I see occasional flickers of light.

Now, I just pray for daylight to dance its way back in.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 350: Twelve.TwentyOne.13

Reminders/Reflections. Because today, I need them.

1. A facebook post from a colleague:

“If it does not feed the fire
of your creativity, then leave it.
If people and things do not
inspire your heart to dream
then leave them.
If you are not crazily in love
and making a stupid fool of yourself
then step closer to the edge
of your heart and climb
where you’ve been forbidden to go.
debts, accusations, assaults by enemies
mean nothing,
go where the fire feeds you…”
-Jimmy Santiago Baca

2. Making a delicious mess in the kitchen with a best friend can be the exact remedy needed for mending recent heart wounds. (Not necessarily of the romance kind – although there is some of that to be sure. But mostly, the wounds are self-inflicted. A coming to terms with destructive decisions standing in the way of living a truly valuable life.)

Kitchen Mess  photo 4

photo 5

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 342: Twelve.Thirteen.13

In trying to get from one side of my postage-stamp-sized apartment to the other – unsuccessfully due to the large number of boxes and bags and piles of mess – this thought appeared inside my head, clear as day:

I create obstacles for myself. Literally, and figuratively.

In an attempt to clean up, I most certainly always make more of a mess first.

Make any task seem larger than it originally was, thereby paralyzing myself from taking care of the matter swiftly and efficiently.

Case in point this evening; empty all contents of box filled with holiday decorations onto floor in an attempt to add a bit of holiday cheer to my otherwise downtrodden disposition.

The curious thing is that almost always I am able to create beauty out of the chaos. Unhealthy as the tactic may be.

Holiday Decorating

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 341: Twelve.Twelve.13

What a brilliant – and beautiful – way to stay connected as a family when distance gets in the way. This? Over facebook or messaging any day.

Dad Finishes Kid’s Drawings

Here’s to another day of creativity…