I’m struggling. Like, really struggling.
Financially, personally, emotionally, existentially even?… ha
You wouldn’t know it, necessarily, from looking at me. Talking to me.
I’m doing a fairly good job of hiding it all, if I do say so myself. From myself, even.
But it’s there. And it’s catching up to me.
If you found the right thread and pulled, you might unravel me.
Except, I haven’t become completely undone.
Close to it, perhaps.
But there is still something underneath holding enough of me together to keep me moving forward.
This is the change. The strength I didn’t know I had developed.
Most days I convince anyone I speak to that my business will be open soon while simultaneously feeling like I will never get there. Not because I can’t make it happen, but perhaps, because I still can’t SEE it happening. My doubts keep escaping from where I have them locked deep down, and surfacing as whisperings in my ear.
I know how to get this far – the beginning stages. I don’t know how to get to what’s next. I’m terrified. And on top of it, I have no patience to see that this is the exact right timing for all of this. It seems it should all be happening NOW. Other people are making their dreams come true now – why can’t I?
Except, I have enough patience, and fortitude? to have held on this long.
Piecing together part-time work that feels less than worthy of my time.
Creatively spacing out bills and rent and groceries each month because I no longer have the comfort of a steady paycheck.
Gathering those around me who will be strong allies and partners in my dreams.
I feel scared and lonely and sad perhaps daily.
But there is a stronger feeling that now lives with me. It’s catching me off guard and I’m not always able to reconcile these two sides of me. But it’s there: I am steadfast in my desire to do better. Be better. Live better.
So. I keep on. And when that thread seems ready to unravel, I remind myself there are many more holding me together.
Forever a point of inspiration these days, here’s Wonder by Emeli Sande and Naughty Boy:
Here’s to another day of creativity…