Day 289: Ten.TwentyOne.13

I’m struggling. Like, really struggling.

Financially, personally, emotionally, existentially even?… ha

You wouldn’t know it, necessarily, from looking at me. Talking to me.

I’m doing a fairly good job of hiding it all, if I do say so myself. From myself, even.

But it’s there. And it’s catching up to me.

If you found the right thread and pulled, you might unravel me.

—

Except, I haven’t become completely undone.

Close to it, perhaps.

But there is still something underneath holding enough of me together to keep me moving forward.

This is the change. The strength I didn’t know I had developed.

—

Most days I convince anyone I speak to that my business will be open soon while simultaneously feeling like I will never get there. Not because I can’t make it happen, but perhaps, because I still can’t SEE it happening. My doubts keep escaping from where I have them locked deep down, and surfacing as whisperings in my ear.

I know how to get this far – the beginning stages. I don’t know how to get to what’s next. I’m terrified. And on top of it, I have no patience to see that this is the exact right timing for all of this. It seems it should all be happening NOW. Other people are making their dreams come true now – why can’t I?

—

Except, I have enough patience, and fortitude? to have held on this long.

Piecing together part-time work that feels less than worthy of my time.

Creatively spacing out bills and rent and groceries each month because I no longer have the comfort of a steady paycheck.

Gathering those around me who will be strong allies and partners in my dreams.

—

I feel scared and lonely and sad perhaps daily.

But there is a stronger feeling that now lives with me. It’s catching me off guard and I’m not always able to reconcile these two sides of me. But it’s there: I am steadfast in my desire to do better. Be better. Live better.

So. I keep on. And when that thread seems ready to unravel, I remind myself there are many more holding me together.

—

Forever a point of inspiration these days, here’s Wonder by Emeli Sande and Naughty Boy:

Here’s to another day of creativity…

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Day 248: Nine.Ten.13

It is my wholehearted intention to share art and creativity with folks. I know, totally know, that once I get people into one of my events, they will feel it. Be inspired by it. Want more of it. This isn’t bragging – it’s not my art I’m working to share, after all. It’s just plain old fact – the people I have the lovely good fortune of knowing and working with are just uber talented and can’t help but cast their spell over those in attendance.

So why, then, is it so hard to get people to sign up for my events? (My organization’s events, really, but it’s hard to not take it personally.)

We had a successful end to the DC Artist Exchange series from a programming perspective. Attendance was light. (These were FREE events, and some even included FREE, homemade, delicious FOOD!!)

We are having to cancel tomorrow’s Reel Talk. Ticket sales were far too light.

My bff described it as such; it’s like the awkward phase of growing a hairstyle out. It started with a good idea, and it will be oh-so-lovely in the near future, but that in between time, of trying to build this thing – it’s uncomfortable and awkward.

Now these things I know:

• I have to be in one spot, building and building and building. This requires patience.
• I am trying to do something new, so the loyalty will be slow going. This requires patience.
• There are going to be near failures before large successes. This requires patience.

We don’t hear about this part of building a small business often. If we do, it’s after the fact, when successful business owners have overcome their early setbacks.

But what to do when we’re right in the middle of it?

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 244: Nine.Six.13

I’m running. And running. And running.

Late. Arrive. Then late again.

So much to get done. So much that is just simply not going to get done.

All, today, right now, in this moment, this second.

If I could break apart into lots and lots of me, I might be able to accomplish all of the things I feel I need to do.

It just, right now, it feels like this rat race I’m in might never end.

That there isn’t even a point to all the running I’m doing.

Even though, I know, there will be a whole new wheel to spin on starting Monday. And that one feels like the right one, an important one.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 235: Eight.TwentyEight.13

I manage to take situations – both good and bad – and determine exactly how they are going to play out in their entirety, all up in my head.

Like by the time date one is over, I’ve already concluded how the rest of our lives are going to go.

I know this is a typical way for women to think about relationships. Or at least, amongst my circle it’s fairly common. But I do it with everything. EveryThing.

It’s exhausting.

Saves little room for exploring and discovering and appreciating.

A lack of patience is something I’ve always struggled with, and in this instance it seems no different.

Except, this time, I’m hoping it can – I can – be different.

So that I can enjoy date two and three and… four? Who knows?

Not me. Because I haven’t thought as far as date four yet, of course.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 223: Eight.Sixteen.13

There is a certain creativity to unpacking.

That’s what I’m going with today – my creativity has been completely focused on unpacking a huge number of boxes in a very tiny space.

At first I couldn’t see the light – almost literally things were stacked so high I couldn’t see outside my window. But as the day has progressed, I can feel a little of the sense of doom evaporating, and a sense of happiness settle into its place. I. Am. home.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 220: Eight.Thirteen.13

I’ve reached a plateau with this business planning.

I’m still motivated and excited and want this – know this is the right thing for me to be doing.

But it gets hard and lonely and exhausting going about it all on one’s own.

I’ve been doubting my abilities and my effectiveness.

Which in turn makes me less able to take the big leaps I need to be taking right now to keep the momentum going.

—

I think I may have very well found my business partner – for reals business partner – today.

Like. Someone who I didn’t know existed until last weekend, but who has been working on exactly parallel business planning ideas for years.

What are the chances of that happening?

Serendipity I say. Put your real intentions out there, and there will be response. I’m sure of it.

—

I don’t want to jinx it so I’ll leave it at that for now.

But here’s to hoping I’m out of my rut and back to moving full speed ahead – less alone and with double the (wo)man power.

ye-haw. rockin arts space. here we come.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 212: Eight.Five.13

A lesson in reshaping expectations:

When things don’t go our way as kids, we pout. Throw a tantrum.

As adults, we do a much better job of controlling these emotions. At least, er, we hope we have learned to control not getting our way by now…?

Perhaps, it’s safe to say, I haven’t actually progressed much in this department.

I don’t throw tantrums. Well…

And I may not pout outwardly (although, I’m pretty terrible at hiding my emotions, so there’s a distinct possibility I actually DO pout.)

But more so, the pouting happens inwardly.

It becomes frustration, negativity, a dismissal of the entire experience altogether.

I dare say many of us still operate this way.

—

This past weekend’s event (that I co-produced) was no exception to my above statement. It didn’t go the way I anticipated – wanted – it to go.

I spent a lot of time pouting about it.

—

Today’s epiphany: Pouting and throwing tantrums does us no good.

I know. This isn’t really much of an epiphany, but cut me a bit of slack, eh?

—

So instead, today’s goal: reshape expectations about this particular experience.

This was, after all, an experiment. We knew going in we had no idea what was going to happen. So really, it’s not fair that I’m upset about the way it turned out.

The problem with a complete lack of patience is that you miss the process by focusing so much on the end result. I KNOW this. I just don’t KNOW how to operate more effectively from this place.

It also helps to be co-creating this event with someone who has a much more evolved view of what ‘success’ looks like. Lucky for that.

—

Reshaping expectations so they no longer have to fit in my perfect, neat little box:

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 183: Seven.Seven.13

I have officially crossed the half way point of this year-long experiment.

And I’m feeling kind of ‘eh’ about it.

—

I am incredibly grateful for the growth it has sparked within.

I am incredibly grateful for the humans, spirits, souls who have not only taken the time to read my blog, but ‘like’ my posts and offer feedback.

I am incredibly motivated to see this all the way through.

—

I am feeling less inspired to ‘create’ each day.

That’s not to say I don’t have something to post, it’s just it seems to have turned into much more of a journal exercise than my original plan of making something each day.

That’s OK, and helpful for my own growth (and perhaps, somewhere, for someone else, too.)

And writing IS creating something. (I do know this.)

And I didn’t have any rules or required outcomes for this project. (At least, I told myself I didn’t.)

And maybe, just maybe, I’m feeling stagnant not because I’m not creating, but because I have made it to a new plateau of living a creative life through these past 182 days, and now need to find new paths to keep climbing upwards.–

So Ok. Maybe, just maybe, I need to be a little more gentle with myself and acknowledge that I never could have predicted where this would bring me when I began. And I know just the same, I can’t predict now what will come from the second half of this adventure.

So…

Here’s to another (182) day(s) of creativity…

Day 176: Six.Thirty.13

If I stop to think for a minute, it’s amazing how quickly this year has already gone.

I cannot believe, for instance:

June is now over

Half of 2013 is over

I am once again living in W, DC (who say that coming six months ago?!)

I still don’t have an actual place to live (of my own that is – because I do have a very wonderful mother and best friend who have made my uncertain situation feel less so)

I am doing this business thing

—

I have a very good feeling about July… So alright second half of 2013 – bring it.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 165: Six.Nineteen.13

Oh man Oh man Oh man.

this summer is going to be bananas.

I can’t reveal all the details yet, but today yielded some great meetings which finalized details for a whole lot of good stuff.

All I can say is, if you’re in the DC area and you like/appreciate art and creativity, make sure to stay tuned for more info! You can sign up for our newsletter, like us on facebook, follow us on twitter or instagram (@resourcearts)…

And mark July 19 on your calendars now!

Here’s to another day of creativity…