Day 207: Seven.ThirtyOne.13

I’m not very good at talking about myself – my skills.

I do good work. I work incredibly hard. I’m honest. I love challenges. So why is it so terribly difficult for me to be my own salesperson?

I just updated my website to include a services page. Now that I’m working for myself again and all.

It needs tweaking. I’m not fully happy with it.

But after procrastinating for weeks, I finally willed myself to at least hit the publish button.

ReSourceArts: Services

Here’s to another day of creativity…

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Day 123: Five.Eight.13

I was turned down for another job. (i was so angry – i could have done that job in my sleep. they couldn’t have found anyone better suited.)

I was a terrible teacher. (my choreography just plain old sucked.)

I feel free.

All of the doors are closing.

I feel free. (to do exactly what is in my heart.)

Windows are opening wide.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 72: Three.Eighteen.13

I recently told a colleague – a dancer I admire very much – that I was back in DC “trying to figure out my life.” His response?

Take your time.

Such a simple statement and yet, it had never occurred to me.

True story.

My life has forever been so much about how quickly I can get things done, make things happen, accomplish, move on, move up, speed up time… that I don’t think I have ever, ever. ever stopped to think about how important it is to s l  o   w   down once in awhile.

I am particularly fighting one of my closest demons these days. I have been in DC for exactly 18 days (well, almost a week of that was actually spent in Philly, so technically more like 13 days) and I am not settled into a job, my own place, a routine. I haven’t gotten my business up and running and become self-employed. How can that be? How have I not gotten EVERYthing figured out by now?

I am fighting the temptation to become disheartened and self-depreciating.

Instead, I am trying to embrace the idea that I am exactly where I need to be – in time, and space, and spirit – in order to move forward (in time, at the right speed).

What a simple, and yet completely profound, state of mind. I aspire.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 71: Three.Seventeen.13

When I was living in Philadelphia and working (extremely hard) in a middle school, I felt fulfilled in a way I hadn’t before. But I also felt I was missing something. The creativity piece. I complained (mostly to myself, but also a good bit to my family and friends) that I didn’t have time to dance, to create, to work on my vision of owning and operating my own arts organization.

I don’t have those excuses anymore. I’m not living in Philadelphia, nor am I working in a school. And yet, here I sit, about as far away from realizing my dreams of creating and being surrounded by art as I was then. (Well that’s actually completely a lie – I did take the plunge and quit my job and move, so there’s that.)

It turns out, just the absence of the thing you say is standing in your way doesn’t mean you will actually stop standing in your own way. So now, it’s time to figure out how to two-step around myself.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 63: Three.Nine.13

I frequently get lost in places I know very well. I know where I am trying to end up – I can visualize the ending point with clarity. I recognize the streets and houses and buildings and landscapes around me. Even though a GPS is now at my fingertips, in these sorts of situations I often am so stubborn I don’t turn to it for guidance. I don’t accept any help, even when no one else would be any the wiser that I had not accomplished the task by myself. The more I recognize but can’t get myself to where I am trying to go, the worse it gets. I get flustered. There is no hope. Until finally, somehow, I find myself where I meant to end up all along. I have no recollection of how I got there, couldn’t retrace my steps to save my life, and don’t even recognize the approach until I am almost right on top of the destination.

That is the kind of lost I am feeling in my life at this moment in time. I am surrounded by the familiar, and I think I am even pretty clear on my end destination. But I have lost all ability to focus on how to get there. All turns that seem to be correct are getting me deeper and deeper into unknown territory. The more flustered I become, the less I am able to see a clear path. I KNOW where I am trying to go is right around here somewhere. And yes, I know that I will find it, eventually.

I do wonder though, if they made a GPS for this type of directional challenge, if I would accept the help, or if I would continue to be so stubborn to think I can do it all on my own?

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 59: Three.Five.13

I feel completely unprepared to deal with myself.

Not so much because I don’t know who I am, but more so because I am becoming more of myself everyday.

Things that used to unravel me – rejection, uncertainty, missteps – they throw me a bit off balance yes, but not enough to do serious damage the way they used to. I don’t recognize these new reactions I am having. I quite like them to be sure, but am also entirely uncomfortable.

Somehow, this settling in to myself is having the dual effect of making me more content, accepting all while making me less bold, daring.
I am completely prepared to sink deeper in to my skin in order to allow myself permission to step outside of it.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 48: Two.TwentyTwo.13

I am in the process of applying for jobs. I have a few prospects (I hesitate to talk about them too early and jinx the whole process, but I can’t write tonight’s post without that bit of information.) Anyways, one of the jobs – one I feel I would be good at and would enjoy – required that I create a short video, along with answers to a few questions. I have to say, I have never been asked to do anything like that for an interview. (I mean, for a dance audition, sure, but a full time job…?) It was slightly intimidating (especially since I had two days to create the clip and had to keep it in the 30 second range). But somehow, it was also quite refreshing.

We were asked to speak about the boldest thing we had ever done to support something we believed in. This is what I came up with. And because brevity is not my strong suit, I followed up with this clip, to give them more background on the event I was speaking about.

Fingers crossed folks!

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 26: One.ThirtyOne.13

So I’m working on job applications. It’s about the most un-creative thing I can think of. It shouldn’t be that way, I know. In fact, if I was able to take on this task with even an ounce of creativity, I’d probably be in a much better place. I just. Can’t. Get excited about these resumes. And potential rejections. And (hopefully) interviews.

I know there are MOST DEFINITELY creative resumes out there. THIS COLLECTION. And THIS ONE.

And I sure as hell have A LOT to share… I’ve done some pretty cool stuff (if I do say so myself). But there is still this lack of confidence that creeps in – am I qualified? Would they hire me?

I’m learning to find my voice more and more each day with this thing, so maybe, just by putting the words out into the webiverse, I will SPEAK my creative cover letter-writing into existence.

Here’s to another day of creativity…