Day 356: Twelve.TwentySeven.13

These were actually captured on Christmas and yesterday, but thought they were worth the delayed share:

md street art

 

md street art

 

dc architecture

 

dc architecture

 

dc architecture

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 355: Twelve.TwentySix.13

As the end to this year-long resolution – experiment – draws to a close in a mere ten more daily posts, I’ve been doing some thinking about where it’s brought me, and what happens next. Except… I thought it would be wholly more profound than it is. Like this whole AaaaaHaaaa moment of clarity. I would have my life figured out. Except… I don’t. In some respects, I feel exactly where I was an entire year ago. And yet, I know, I know, of course, I am not at all the same person I was when I sat down to a blank blog screen.

I do know that this whole thing has been wholly about me (how selfish) – about discovering and uncovering and repairing. But also, hopefully, something universal and relatable and worthy of reading. So instead of drawing out the much bigger meaning, I will simply share the thirty (that’s a lot right? But I do have three hundred plus entries, and I’ve become quite attached to this thing…) posts that I feel most connected to. The ones that were the most difficult to write, the easiest to post, the most heartfelt… You get the picture.

In no particular order of importance, rather in order of appearance:

  1. Day One. Remains the backbone of my wish for this project. It’s why, and how, I create.
  2. Day Five. Felt good to write. It came from a totally true and honest place.
  3. Day Eighteen.  Regret.
  4. Day ThirtyOne. The dream that just won’t quit.
  5. Day ThirtySeven. The Virgo dilemma.
  6. Day SeventySix. To heal.
  7. Day SeventySeven. Why I look good.
  8. Day SeventyNine. Guerilla gardening.
  9. Day OneHundredFive. Beautiful darkness.
  10. Day OneHundredTwentySix. Onstage magic.
  11. Day OneHundredFortyThree. My health care dilemma.
  12. Day OneHundredSixty. A little reminder that the sun will shine again.
  13. Day OneHundredSeventyThree. A Love Story (for my someday child).
  14. Day OneHundredEightyFour. Relationships of the fairytale kind.
  15. Day OneHundredEightyNine. A day of discovering.
  16. Day TwoHundredOne. How I know the world will be alright.
  17. Day TwoHundredEleven. Thanks Girls Like Giants for re-posting this one.
  18. Day TwoHundredTwentyEight. I’m (still?) a dancer.
  19. Day TwoHundredFortyThree. Time to start acting my age.
  20. Day TwoHundredSixtyOne. A reconnection of the artistic kind.
  21. Day TwoHundredNinetyOne. To Believe.
  22. Day TwoHundredNinetyTwo. The art of blankets.
  23. Day TwoHundredNinetySix. My mama is cooler than most, well, people.
  24. Day ThreeHundredTwelve. So ludicrous I just would do it.
  25. Day ThreeHundredFourteen. Validation for all my crazy.
  26. Day ThreeHundredEighteen. Some whimsy. (It doesn’t all have to be serious all the time, after all.)
  27. Day ThreeHundredTwentyThree. An amazing day doing one of the things I love best – discovering a city’s art and space.
  28. Day ThreeHundredTwentySix. Love. Love. In Love. Want. Want. Want to do this.
  29. Day ThreeHundredTwentyNine. The beauty.
  30. Day ThreeHundredThirtyOne. Seattle. Rediscovered in photos.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 354: Twelve.TwentyFive.13

For years I cringed every time I heard even a few notes of Nutcracker music ringing out in stores and on commercials this time of year. Having spent the better part of two decades listening to the entire score from September through December, it was all I could do to tune it out once I got into my twenties and ‘put ballet behind me.’ I told myself it was similar to ‘It’s A Small World’ – something I just couldn’t get out of my head. A jingle that grated on my inner ear.

The truth, though. The truth is I miss it. So much. And for many years it was just too painful to be reminded of it, knowing I had ‘put ballet behind me.’ I miss being part of a tradition so much larger than me. Focusing on a singular goal for so much time, all leading up to sharing a timeless joy with so many audience members. The hours upon hours of rehearsals and classes, the waiting to find out what parts we would be playing that year – it could be agony to be sure. But also something so special I craved it – still crave it. Nutcracker was synonymous with Christmas for me. And then when it wasn’t I went in search of all kinds of other holiday traditions that just never seemed to fill the void.

I tried putting my pointe shoes on again the other night. (I posted pics HERE.) To be reminded of what it felt like to be a dancer. It hurt. More than it used to. And I may never put them back on and return to the stage to delight audiences with my fancy footwork. But I also know, now, more than ever, that I will never stop being a dancer. It will never be behind me. The torture I have felt throughout the years when I have made the conscious – or not – decision to turn my back on dance, it was because I was being untrue to myself. I can’t ever separate me as a being from me as a dancer. We are one and the same, even when the perfectionist in me doesn’t feel my current state lives up to the dancer I once was, or could have been.

But I digress. The point of tonight’s post was, that I was reminded today of how much joy Nutcracker has brought to me throughout the years. And while the holiday spirit didn’t quite snatch me up this year, reminiscing about my dancing days did bring a smile to my face. And it brought me to the below picture, which also made me smile.

Nutcracker Memories

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 351: Twelve.TwentyTwo.13

I generally have a fairly optimistic perspective on life.

Not these days.

I’ve become pretty dark in my own mind and I’m not really sure how to let the sunshine return.

I see occasional flickers of light.

Now, I just pray for daylight to dance its way back in.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 350: Twelve.TwentyOne.13

Reminders/Reflections. Because today, I need them.

1. A facebook post from a colleague:

“If it does not feed the fire
of your creativity, then leave it.
If people and things do not
inspire your heart to dream
then leave them.
If you are not crazily in love
and making a stupid fool of yourself
then step closer to the edge
of your heart and climb
where you’ve been forbidden to go.
debts, accusations, assaults by enemies
mean nothing,
go where the fire feeds you…”
-Jimmy Santiago Baca

2. Making a delicious mess in the kitchen with a best friend can be the exact remedy needed for mending recent heart wounds. (Not necessarily of the romance kind – although there is some of that to be sure. But mostly, the wounds are self-inflicted. A coming to terms with destructive decisions standing in the way of living a truly valuable life.)

Kitchen Mess  photo 4

photo 5

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 348: Twelve.Nineteen.13

“‘It’s gonna hurt now,’ said Amy. “Anything dead coming back to life hurts.'” – Toni Morrison, Beloved

Alone, lonely. Broke, broken down. With the inability to distinguish between good decisions and not.

None of my decisions, in fact, are ones that have resulted in healthy, happy, positivity.

I am broken.

I suppose it’s better to know, now, than to keep hiding from the truth. Keep pretending I am whole.

It hurts – the past resurfacing and reclaiming me. It is rendering me paralyzed.

I am broken. And I’m not sure I have the wherewithal or energy to put the pieces back together.

I’m not even sure they are worth putting back together.

Here’s to another day of creativity…

Day 347: Twelve.Eighteen.13

The Jump Off Party @ SoHo DC every Wednesday night. Ft. Dj Toxsick & this week’s spotlight Words Beats & Life. Artwork by Juan Pineda. We got down.

The Jump Off Spotlight: Words Beats & Life

The Jump Off Spotlight: Words Beats & Life

The Jump Off: Artwork by Juan Pineda

The Jump Off: Artwork by Juan Pineda

Here’s to another day of creativity…